TITLE: Camel Spotting / Train Spotting

     (In the country we see an Interviewer, with microphone. Behind him a man sits on a wall, with clip-board, binoculars and
     spotting gear.) 

     Interviewer: Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello. 

     Spotter: Hello Peter. 

     Interviewer: Now tell me, what exactly are you doing? 

     Spotter: Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel
     spotting book. 

     Interviewer: Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far? 

     Spotter: Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one. 

     Interviewer: Nearly one? 

     Spotter: Er, call it none. 

     Interviewer: Fine. And er how long have you been here? 

     Spotter: Three years. 

     Interviewer: So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels? 

     Spotter: Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that
     of course I was a Yeti Spotter. 

     Interviewer: A Yeti Spotter, that must have been extremely interesting. 

     Spotter: Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the
     Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all. 

     Interviewer: And have you seen them all? 

     Spotter: Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them. 

     Interviewer: Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel? 

     Spotter: Er, I take its number. 

     Interviewer: Camels don't have numbers. 

     Spotter: Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box. 

     Interviewer: What? 

     Spotter: Ah - of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book. 

     Interviewer: Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary? 

     Spotter: Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector. 

     Interviewer: Mr Sopwith, aren't you in fact a train Spotter? 

     Spotter: What? 

     Interviewer: Don't you in fact spot trains? 

     Spotter: Oh, you're no fun anymore. 

     (ANIMATION: Then a girl in bed. Count Dracula enters. The girl reveals her neck. The vampire goes to kiss her but his fangs fall out.) 

     Girl: Oh, you're no funn anymore. 

     (A man at the yardarm being lashed.) 

     Lasher:... thirty-nine... forty. All right, cut him down, Mr Fuller. 

     Lashee: Oh you're no fun anymore. 

     (Back to camel spotter.) 

     Spotter: Now if anybody else pinches my phrase I'll throw them under a camel. 

     Interviewer: (giggling) If you can spot one. 

     (Spotter gives him a dirty look. Knight in armour appears beside him. He hits interviewer with chicken.)